The Brown Noser

Valentine's Day Casts Entire Campus Into Sexile

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

Valentine's Day has long been heralded as a day filled with love and boxes of chocolates, both the metaphorical and the delicious kinds. But this year Cupid's arrow struck far and wide, inflaming the passions of students and faculty alike all across campus and leading to a sexile epidemic unlike anything the University has ever experienced before.

Kid Who Said He'd Never Seen Snow Before Actually Had Seen Snow Once Before

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

"I didn't think it counted," insisted Winston McKinney '13 of his experience frolicking on the Minnesota snow outside his grandparents' house during Christmas 1996. "I mean, I was only five-"

"You were only five?" spat Dwayne Jenkins '13, voice thick with tears, hunched miserably on the sofa in the therapist's office beside his roommate.

Administration Replaces S/NC With Win/Epic Fail Grading Option

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

In what is being described as an effort to increase transcript transparency, the Office of the Registrar announced that next semester it will begin to offer a Win/Epic Fail grading option, in lieu of the old S/NC option.

Associate Professor of Religious Studies Maryanne Leftfeld strongly supports the change.

Friends Jokingly List Each Other on Prospect & Meeting, Enter Ironic Lifelong Relationship

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

What has been deemed by a Prospect & Meeting spokesperson as the "most astoundingly successful match yet, by default, we guess," began innocently enough. Mitch Henderson '11 and Gloria Fields '11, best friends since freshmen year, listed each other as "romantic interests" on the website as a joke.

Brown Meat Appreciation Society to Host First Annual Ivy Sausage Fest

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

A veritable 'meat wave' is hitting the Brown campus as anticipation mounts for the first annual Ivy Sausage Fest, to be held next weekend. From bratwurst to kielbasa, the excitement is palpable among students who can hardly contain their desire to fit long tubes of hot beef in their expectant mouths.

Inspirational Bathroom Graffiti Encourages Poopers to "Reach for the stars," "Wash Hands"

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

"I can become a starting power forward in the NBA," five foot six inch Arnold G. Pataki '12 exclaimed after an eight minute stint in the men's bathroom. "I allowed my friends and family to talk me out of my childhood dream, but after this historic dump I think I have what it takes.

Little Jo's Rebels Against Josiah's; Begins Stocking Studded Bracelets, Nose Rings

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

Hungry Brunonians seeking late-night eats this week have reported observing undeniable signs that famously well-behaved campus convenience store Little Jo's has entered a stage of violent teenage rebellion against his father, campus eatery Josiah's.

"Everyone knew that Little Jo felt suffocated by his dad, but he never said a word about it," said Todd Goldberg '10, longtime friend of the once shy and non-confrontational snack shop, "He was terrified of Josiah - who wouldn't be? I have trouble dealing with the fact that my dad can beat me at arm wrestling� his dad is forty times his size!"

"The guy was incredibly jealous, too," Goldberg added.

Lazy Prospect & Meeting Programmers Rely on Mrs. Riccobono's Fourth Grade Class as Pink-Pajama'd Matchmakers

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

Prospect & Meeting recently revealed that the magic behind its dating service was not a highly sophisticated digital e-mail cross-reference love detector (as was popularly believed) but rather the female students of Mrs. Riccobono's fourth-grade classroom at Woonsocket Elementary.

Yet Again, Student Mass Texts "What You Guys Doing Tonight?"

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

In what can only be considered the opposite of a shocking development, Brown University student Gabe Brenner '13 texted no fewer than eleven of his friends the message, "what you guys doing tonight." Last night's mass text marks the twelfth incident in thirteen days.

Fourth Annual Lonely Hearts Valentine's Dinner Technically a Success

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

Citing the fact that no one died, caught on fire, or contracted food poisoning at her fourth annual Lonely Hearts Valentine's Dinner, hostess Jill Werther '10 has declared the awkward, depressing gathering "a success!"

Werther was remarkably pleased with her ability to throw such an awesome party on short notice.

After Two Weeks of Procrastination, Paper Writes Self

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

After several weeks of being ignored, put off, and slighted by Joshua Worthington '12, his political science paper finally decided to write itself last Thursday. According to the paper, this was fitting punishment for Worthington's disrespect over the course of their fraught relationship.

Dining Options Paralyze Student With Indecision

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

In what is becoming more and more painfully representative of his directionless life path, Samuel Maurris '12 has yet to reach a decision on exactly which foods at the Verney-Woolley Dining Hall will constitute his Monday morning breakfast.

Despite having more than enough time waiting in line to decide what he wants to do with his breakfast, Maurris was reportedly speechless when asked for the third time what he would like in his omelette.

Ratty Unveils New "Don't Ask Don't Tell... Where This Came From" Policy

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

In a move combining the semantic flourish of the United States military and the solemn secrecy of an ancient mystery cult, the Ratty is instituting a policy aimed at keeping the already dubious origins of its many dining options firmly in the food closet.

"Don't get me wrong," said BUDS director David Samuelson.

Student Delicious

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

For centuries, Ratty diners have come to accept the inevitable truth that the BUDS batting average is deplorably low, both in its percentage of tolerable eateries at any given meal and its performance at the biannual kitchen/janitorial staff softball tournament.

Student Dispels Panic by Yelling "Movie Theatre" in a Fire

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

Last week Marvin Sandhurst '13 saved lives when he helped Providence Fire Department Ranger Unit #3 maintain calm during an evacuation from a burning house. Sandhurst, who emerged with from building with only what he called "a severe burn from a girl who didn't enjoy my pickup line," took it upon himself to assuage the panic of the guests at the house party by yelling "movie theatre.

Hipsters Rave: Avatar was "Alright, I Guess"

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

David Garcia '11 is known across campus as one of the most accomplished film critics at Brown University. Thanks to eloquent, gushingly positive reviews such as "Citizen Kane: Not So Bad, Except That One Part" and "Casablanca: I Dunno, Dude," Garcia has risen above the confines of his plaid button-downs, tight jeans and independent concentration in "Ideas and What They Signify" to become what some have called "Ebert and Roeper's deformed, slightly autistic film critique lovechild.

Sensitive Artist Tries to Grow Beard, a Pair

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

Sporting some nascent stubble, Chester McDaniels '11 walked into the Olney-Margolis Athletic Center for the first time in his Brown career. An artist who has performed many quasi-understandable pieces of music-based performance art on the Main Green, McDaniels was unveiling a new project at a press conference with greater-than-expected attendance.

As Math Professor Approaches Student, Awkwardness Approaches Infinity

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

Just when Stephanie Tillsden '13 thought math professor Thomas Kandel's ineptitude had reached an absolute maximum, he yet again managed to reach a new plane of awkwardness when he asked her on a date to a social function.

The encounter occurred on Tuesday in the third quadrant of the Main Green after Kandel altered his directional vector to intersect with Tillsden's.

Professor Asks For Help With DVD Player, Students Feign Incompetence

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

Last Monday, members of ENGL1041 bore witness to the unfolding of an ironic tragedy. Students report that over the course of one class period, they lost a total 15 minutes of class time as a result of easily solvable difficulties surrounding a DVD player.

The trouble began when Professor Arthur Remold, a published author with a Ph.

Physics Professor Just in Wrong Space-Time at Wrong Space-Time

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

"Of all the paths my day could have taken it had to collapse into this one", lamented Professor of Theoretical Physics Jim Hogrefe, who wishes he was in just about any other universe besides this one right now. "I really feel blindsided by this", the professor continued.

University Introduces High-Tech Friedman SCIENCE! Center

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

"Awesome!"

"Yeah!"

"This is so cool, daddy!"

These are some typical reactions to the University's newest addition, the ultra high-tech Friedman SCIENCE! Center in the Sciences Library. The Center, which is funded by several grants from the United States Government and has been widely publicized for the access it grants the Brown community to groundbreaking advances in SCIENCE!, opened earlier this semester and has been thrilling students and professors alike.

Popular Site Texts From Next Night Features Drug-Fueled Hovercar Mishaps, Drunken Hookups with Martians

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

The latest hit website, Texts From Next Night, posts text messages sent up to twenty years in the future, giving students clues about the future of the environment, national politics, and whether they will still be regularly "getting redic shity off karkov and hittign on my chem TA" (sic) when they are 35.

Devastating Fire Blamed Mainly on Negligence, Shifty-Eyed Man Holding Blowtorch

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

The month-long investigation of a three-alarm fire in nearby Woonsocket has finally yielded definitive results. While a lion's share of the blame is being placed on the negligence of the residents, a small portion of the responsibility for the blaze has been doled out to a sketchy man in a trench coat, observed near the scene of the crime grasping a military-grade blowtorch.

Point/Counterpoint- Are You Really Going to Ask For This Pen Back? vs. Does it Look Like I'm Made of Pens?

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

Point: Are you really asking for this pen back?

It's a typical day in class when suddenly my laptop battery dies. I can't Facebook, G-Chat, or Image Search disturbing things that traumatize the people sittting behind me. Time to bring it back to the 5th grade and resort to some good ol' fashioned doodling.

Samsung Mobile Charging Stations Have Feelings Too!

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

Hey you! Yeah you! Do you think just because I can't move means I can't hear what you're saying? Well guess again buddy. I'm sick and tired of sitting here while you ridicule and belittle me like I some cheap piece of garbage-Samsung mobile charging stations have feelings too! I guess you think it makes you feel big or something to put others down, especially when you haven't even tried to get to know them.

I Hate It When I Get My Racial Slurs Confused

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

Whether it be one of those apple-chinned Mexicans or a big knuckled black person, I hate all those who aren't adorned with pure white skin such as mine. However, it isn't as simple as this anymore. No longer do we live in a black and white and brown, and, well, okay, yellow world.

Babies Are Slowly Stealing America's Jobs

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

Do you know any Babies who speak English? Probably not. And even if you do, it probably has an almost incomprehensible accent.

Within 20 years babies will have more jobs then Americans. No Baby I know can do a task like a good full-fledged, law-abiding Adult.

Telling People You Got EMS'd Doesn't Make You Cooler

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

I've seen you, EMS'd kid. Sweatshirt and pajamas in the Ratty, take-out box full of eggs and tabasco, Sigg bottle full of Powerade. Swaggering around like you're the most exciting thing to happen to alcoholics since pocket-sized breathalizers.

Yeah, I've seen you, EMS'd kid.

Rhyme Log

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

The following summary includes all major incidents reported to the Department of Public Safety between February 9 and February 23. It does not include general service and alarm calls. The Providence Police Department also responds to incidents occurring off campus.

Bitter Cold Turns Walk of Shame Into High Speed Sprint of Shame

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

Providence resident Sahil Modi was no stranger to the walk of shame. As a self-proclaimed people-watcher and a court-proclaimed stalker, he had seen it all before. Until now.

The reason? A high-speed sprint of shame.

It was reported that on Feb 15th, at approximately 9:32 A.

Sports Reporter Running out of Synonyms for "Win"

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 05:00:00 GMT

Brown Daily Herald Sports writer Anand Meyer '12 used his last known synonym for "win" in last month's coverage of the women's basketball team's recent "thwacking" of Cornell.

"I'm at a loss," said Meyer of his recent attempts to come up with a new term. "In other words, I'm annihilated, beat, crushed, defeated, embarrassed, flogged, gone, hindered, impeded, janked, knocked out, licked, massacred, neutralized, overwhelmed, pulverized, quelled, ruined, slaughtered, thrashed, undone, vanquished, whomped, x'd-out�y'know, zapped.