The Brown Noser

Student Disappointed Friends Actually Came For Spring Weekend

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

"How was I to know they'd make it?" Robert Stevenson '12 asked vexedly.

Every year, Brown students invite friends and acquaintances from hometowns, study abroad experiences, and long, awkward bus rides through Connecticut. Most of these invitations, though, are turned down or politely ignored.

Student Legally Changes Age to 21

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

Defying societal norms and asserting her right to use any age she likes, Kate Dorelle '12 officially changed her age last Thursday from 19 to 21 years old.

"It's about independence. It's about being yourself," said Dorelle. "I didn't choose my age. My parents did, and I'm not going to let them or anyone tell me how to live my life.

Frat Brothers Related by Blood Alcohol Content

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

A DNA test revealed yesterday that fellow Sigma-Chi rushers Ian Miller '13 and Josh Hendricks '13 are more than just "beer pong partners for life dude, high five!": they are brothers.

The blood work confirmed that best friends Miller-Smirnoff and Hendricks-Smirnoff, who have since adopted their biological intoxicator's name, had near identical blood alcohol content levels during their brief stays at Providence hospital.

Table Slip Ban to Save Trees, Ruin Lives of Boring Diners

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

Due to a joint effort between the UCS, UFB, BUAC and the ABCDEFG, table slips are being phased out of the dining halls-a transition which many predict will adversely affect the lives of losers and boring people across campus.

"The boring person community relied on table slips for nine-tenths of our dinner conversation," said Dan Berg '11, a nondescript student of average height and build.

Super Senior Vows to Fight Crime at Graduation

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

Kevin Kaplan '10 stands tall and proud in front of his full-length mirror, staring himself resolutely in the eye. His graduation cap is crisp, his robe is fluid, and his bright red spandex unitard is blinding. Yes, Kaplan is clad in a unitard. Is he going through an identity crisis? Does he like the squeeze in all the right places? No, Kevin Kaplan is a super senior.

Gee Whiz, How About that Ballroom Dance Team?

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

Move over, IMPROVidence! Out of the way, Mock Trial! Get lost, Badmaash! There's a new obsession amongst Brown students: their incredibly athletic and dashingly attractive ballroom dance team.

"I've never seen anyone pull off the moves they do!" said Ballroom Dance Captain Tommy Mulroney '12.

Snoop Dogg Headlines Janus Forum Debate on Education

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

The first event in the Janus Forum's much anticipated debate series on education took place in Salomon 101 yesterday, and featured conservative political commentator Edward Morton matching wits with smooth-spitting hip hop artist Snoop 'Doggy' Dogg.

Mr. Morton said he was excited to discuss such an important issue with an educational theorist as eminent as Mr.

Thayer Street Biker Takes Logic Course, Realizes Assless Chaps Do Not Implied Chapless Ass

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

Self-described "biker, Thayer Street mainstay, and leather enthusiast" Larry Scarpo can usually be seen hanging out with his biker buddies outside such Thayer Street establishments as Tedeschi, the former Roba Dolce, and Tedeschi. This week, however, Scarpo traded in his chopper for a box of chalk.

University Cracks Down on Scalping Other Students for Spring Weekend Tickets

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

University representatives announced a tougher policy toward students who did not acquire their Spring Weekend tickets directly from the Brown Concert Agency, stating that it is technically illegal under University rules to kill other students, remove their scalps and take their tickets.

Weirdo Kid In Orgo Keeps Pointing Pen at Professor and Whispering "Avada Kedavra!"

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

Ever since the first day of Organic Chemistry (CHEM 35), Tim Spencer '13 has avoided Dirk Morton '13 like the plague.

"I sat down beside him on the first day," Spencer explained. "Because he was wearing a Slytherin scarf from the Harry Potter movies. I thought that was cool.

Roommate Refuses to Be Sexiled

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

As Jesse Parker '13 returned to his room with a female companion last Wednesday night, he never could have anticipated the reaction of his ne'er-do-well roommate, Trevor Harrison '13.

"So I was at FishCo, because it was a weeknight and, let's face it, I'm a football player," Parker explained.

Gay Guy Calls Straight Guy 'Mildly Attractive,' Straight Guy Unsure How to Respond

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

When Mark Richards '13 arrived at a party and spotted romantic interest Lisa Lunk '13 talking to another young man, he wasn't worried. "It was hard to hear over the blaring beat of Ke$ha, but I swear he said something to Lisa about wearing his 'gay poncho'," Richards said.

Daily Consumption of Apples Prevents Student From Receiving Much Needed Medical Attention

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

In a case that has left Brown Health Services confounded, Timothy Henderson'13, continues to lie sick in bed as he has done for days-yet no doctor will see him. The reason: daily consumption of apples.

"It all started about two weeks ago, when I first got sick," Henderson recalls.

Sean Quigley "Well Adjusted" for 18th-Century Time Traveler

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

A recent poll shows that a majority of students believe Sean Quigley '10 - head of the campus Republicans, prominent Brown Daily Herald columnist, and Medieval English history aficionado - is "quite well adjusted" for being an 18th century time traveler. This surprising result came in at a whopping 78%, ahead of such other polled answers as "very unimportant" (43%), "somewhat attractive" (23%), and "think it should be changed to 'Fall Weekend'" (16%).

U. Invaded by NINE WAYS TO MAKE YOUR DINING ROOM MORE INVITING Rogue Newspaper Headlines

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

An otherwise peaceful springtime has been disrupted by an ever-more-frequent nuisance and threat: that of rogue newspaper SINGLE MOTHER OF TWO TRAPPED IN MINE COLLAPSE headlines.

For BOW-WOW-WHOOPS! DOG CRASHES CAR IN PAWTUCKET FENDER-BENDER Beth Greenfield '13, the threat these headlines pose is all too real.

Yet Again, Loui's Staff Decide to Stay Up Until 5 and Make Breakfast

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

Although they all have stuff to do tomorrow and are totally going to kick themselves for it later, employees of Loui's Family Restaurant on Brook Street decided at 1 a.m last night to hang out in the store until the morning and then serve people some food.

Snapple Facts Increasingly Belligerent Towards Nantucket Nectars

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

The best stuff on earth may have just turned bitter.

Snapple, the worlds leading distributor of useless knowledge, and occasional distributor of colored sugar water, has managed to ensnare itself in a heated brawl with Nantucket Nectars.

Snapple CEO Rafael Rodriguez allegedly became enraged when he discovered that Nantucket Nectars began printing facts about their quaint, 47.

Cabo/Kabul Airport Mix-Up Leads to Sub-Par Spring Break

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

Spring breakers Emily Rothstein '12 and Jenna Harris '12 admitted to feeling "a little disappointed" when their ostensibly Mexico-bound airliner touched down in Afghanistan late last Saturday.

The navigational misstep allegedly began when an employee at Logan Airport in Boston mistakenly spelled Kabul with a C on the departures board.

Overzealous Janitor Throws Out Entire List Art Show

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

A Facilities Management employee unwittingly disposed of every single piece of art on display at a recent student gallery show in the List Art Building.

The show, for which the 25 exhibited pieces were selected out of 80 submitted works, was entitled "Beyond Representation: Poststructuralist Beauty for Posthumanist Times.

Chatroulette Study Reveals That One Out of Every Three Internet Users Is a Giant Penis and/or Cat-Person

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

A recent study led by Brown Computer Science Professor Lester Siegel has revealed startling new information about today's internet users.

By meticulously studying recurring trends and patterns on the internet website Chatroulette.com, Siegel and his team were able to uncover that one out of every three internet users is, in fact, a giant penis and/or cat-person.

Boobs Rarely Used for Intended Purpose

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

A new fad, "Boobs", has come abreast on college campuses for a purpose altogether different than the original intended use: as bulbous double-barreled human udders.

The trend has been described as "irresponsible" by the Food and Drug Administration, which approved the original use of Mammary Glands for nubile feeding in clinically safe doses.

Infinite Number of Monkeys Working On Infinite Number of Typewriters Write, "Fuck You" To Depraved Research Professor

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

Nearly two decades ago, revered Professor of Neuroscience Dr. Ethan Martin set out to test the classic mathematical postulate that an infinite number of monkeys tapping randomly on keyboards would eventually reproduce all of history's most treasured literary works.

Lab Animals Demand More Juice

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

Animals from across the nation and all over the evolutionary tree gathered Tuesday outside the National Institute of Health's main campus in Bethesda, Maryland to protest what they consider to be unfairly small juice rewards.

Many hoisted homemade signs voicing their dissent with phrases like "Release the Juice" and "Thirsty for Change.

One, Two, Three, Four, Congress Declares Thumb War

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

During a special session last week, Congress voted unanimously to declare a thumb war against Liechtenstein. Afterward, Barack Obama held a press conference, the solemn words of which, pundits are saying, will "ring in the halls of history for centuries to come and ever and ever, like, seriously.

Providence Resident Screwed Once Again by Housing, Lottery

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

35-year-old Providence resident Timothy "Tito" Berman was screwed once again by his "housing [and the] Lottery." Berman, an unemployed former gas station attendant currently seeking employment at the Rhode Island Schoolbus Depot, or RISD, found his already frustrating situation exacerbated when the ceiling in his "double," or "crappy two-person studio apartment," located in NP4, the fourth tower of the New Providence housing project, developed a leak in its ceiling.

Americans with Tongue Rings Decry Media Thereotypes and Thlander

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

A new advocacy group, believing that the interests of Americans with pierced tongues have been hurt by negative media portrayals, recently held a press conference to deal with what they describe as "a long-term thivil rights violation." The group, Americans with Tongue Rings, has the stated goal of doing away with "inthenthitive and thpiteful therotypes, and to instead create a more pothitive image for those Americanth who happen to have metal in their mouths," according to Chief Spokeswoman Jo-Jo Dulata.

In Soviet Russia, Dorms Choose YOU!

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

[The following is an editorial submitted by our study-abroad correspondent, Sascha Starkovstoy.]

Our comrades at University in Moscow have been chosen into dorms in spring for upcoming year of academia. Dorms have chosen students based on what is most suitable for their needs, so all get fair deal, as you like.

There's No Business Like the Meat Packing Industry

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

Ah, the scents. The sounds. The ambiance. There's nary a place I'd rather be than in a dank, unlit room full of assembly lines, knives covered in old meat, and carcasses. Nowhere can you get that happy feeling, when you are stealing that extra hunk of meat to feed your increasingly desperate and starving family.

POINT: I See You're Standing at That Urinal Not Peeing / COUNTERPOINT: It's Hard to Urinate With You Staring Me in the Face

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

POINT: I See You're Standing at That Urinal Not Peeing

Hey, man. How are you? Haven't seen you in a little while. I know, work's been heavy. You have any plans for summer?

Say, I just happened to notice that you're standing at that urinal, but I don't hear any sound to indicate that you're doing anything more than that.

Objects and Other Objects

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

Coal to our nation's unflagging locomotive conductors. Keep on chuggin'!

An origami dove to the coxswain of the rowing team. May you continue to find beauty in everything.

Cheese and coconuts to the Neuroscience Department. We are very sorry for your loss.

Brown Croquet Club Plagued by Elitism

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

A throng of argyle-clad Brown Croquet Club members descended on the Main Green with mallets, croquet balls, and ample pompousness last Thursday. In so doing, they displaced scantily clad sunbathers, confused tour groups, and ignited a firestorm of controversy.

Housing Lottery First Pick Winners Choose LeBron James

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 04:00:00 GMT

With the first pick in the 2010 housing lottery, Outsourced has selected LeBron James 23 as their place of residence next year. Citing his size, athleticism, well-rounded skill set and ability to get teammates involved, group members claim the decision was an easy one.